DARK DAYS AT MAR-A-LAGO

BY: Michael Arkin

When Lindsey Graham arrived at Mar-a-Lago for the ceremonial lowering of the flag to half-mast to honor the recently deceased Rush Limbaugh he had trouble gaining access to the Scheherazade room where the 45th President of the United States and his family were enjoying a breakfast of Egg McMuffins and fries.

 

“Tell him I’m in a meeting with Marjorie Taylor Greene,” Trump told his assistant. Then turning to the table where Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Lara were chowing down, he chided, “That’ll drive him crazy. Lindsey’s a great guy, almost as big an ass-kisser as Mike Pence pre-January 6th, but he’s gotten a little clingy lately.”  

“Well, he can talk to The Pillow Guy, who I saw muttering to himself in the lobby,” Eric said.

“He’s here again?” Trump asked.

“Again? He never left,” Ivanka said.

“Let’s just hope he doesn’t have a ‘How to Stage a Coup’ manifesto in hands this time.”

The door opened and Don Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle rushed in. “Dad, turn on the news.” 

 

Fumbling with the remote, the former president switched on the television, which was auto-tuned to Nickelodeon’s The Astronauts. 

“Who was watching that?” Junior asked.

“Hey, this is great stuff,” his father said. “Where do you think I got the idea for Space Force?”

“Put on Fox News,” Don Jr. said.

“Fox News is a disaster,” Trump said, switching to Newsmax where Newt Gingrich was interviewing Stephen Miller, former White House senior adviser and all-around hatemonger. “Miller’s another one that owes everything to me,” he grumbled.

“Turn to Fox,” Don Jr. said, grabbing the remote from his father’s diminutive hands and switching to Fox and Friends, which was reporting the breaking news that the Supreme Court had just ruled to release his father’s tax returns to the New York prosecutor.

“To think I stacked the Supreme Court and this is how Gorsuch, Kavanaugh and Barrett repay me! If it weren’t for me, they’d be judging Dancing with the Stars,” the ex-president said, burying his face in his hands. When he looked up, he saw his children, all open-mouthed, the blood drained from their faces as they contemplated their respective futures. “It’s not going to be pretty kids. We’re talking criminal charges. “ 

 

Trying to shake the image of herself in an orange jumpsuit, Ivanka said, “I never thought I’d envy Tiffany. She and Barron are the only ones who are going to come out of this unscathed.”

“This could undermine Ivanka’s run for Mark Rubio’s Senate seat, not to mention my run for governor of Florida,” Junior lamented.

“Don’t mention that at the flag lowering, okay? Ron DeSantis has been a loyal stooge and I don’t want him to even have an inkling that we’re planning on kicking him to the curb in 2022,” their father said.

The news report was followed by a heart-tugging ASPCA commercial set to Sarah McLachlan’s In the Arms of an Angel. “Isn’t that Snowflake Cruz?” Eric said pointing to the shivering poodle onscreen.

 

“That poor son of a bitch,” Mr. Trump bemused, “and I’m talking about Ted Cruz, not Snowflake.”

“How a person treats their pets says a lot about them, and Snowflake taught us a lot about Ted Cruz,” Ivanka added flouncing her Brazilian blowout.

“Why do you think I never had a dog?” Trump asked. “It’s bad enough I had Tiffany and Barron. What Cruz should have done is leave his wife home with Snowflake. After all, dogs like to keep each other company.” 

Shaking her head, Ivanka said, “Daddy, that’s terrible.”

“Look, it’s his wife’s fault that he got caught. Nobody would even have known he was gone if she hadn’t sent out a group email inviting all their friends to join them in Cancun. Rand Paul told me that Cruz claims he told her to email FEMA and she thought that was an acronym for Find Everyone Mexican Accommodations.”

Jared’s phone rang. “It’s Lindsey Graham again,” he mouthed to his father-in-law.

 

“Send him up, but not the Pillow Guy.” Then getting back to the subject of Cruz, he said, 

“I’ve got to sit him down for a heart-to-heart. His little ‘I was just trying to be a good dad’ routine just put the kibosh on his dream of a White House run. And, by the way, it was never anything more than a dream because the pecking order for the White House is Ivanka in 2024, then Jared in 2032, followed by Don Jr. in 2040 and finally Eric in 2048.”

 

“So, you’ve made up your mind, no White House run for you in 2024?” Lara asked, taking notes.

“Nah. I mean, I love the rallies and the perks, but the job itself sucks and so does the pay. It’s nice to be able to play golf whenever I want and not have to worry about that frigging virus ruining my poll numbers.”

“Do you really think that this little Mexican vacation ruined Cruz’s chances?” Jared asked.  

“Let’s put it this way,” Trump said reaching for his third Egg McMuffin, “the optics were a disaster. He claimed he was going to Cancun for just one night and then he shows up at the airport lugging around a steamer trunk. This guy makes me look empathetic. He’ll be lucky if he can hold onto his Senate seat.”

 

“Do you think Texans really care about stuff like this?” Jared interjected. “As long as he keeps black people from voting, continues to ignore science, fights abortion, blames environmentalists for power outages and continues his crusade against democracy, he’s their guy.” 

“He should have done what I did with the paper towels after Hurricane Maria. He could have thrown out handwarmers to everyone and then he could have slipped out of town and no one would have noticed.

The door opened and Lindsey Graham, wearing a colorful terrycloth cabana suit and crisscross sandals strolled in.

“Come on in Lindsey, we’re just talking about Lyin’ Ted’s PR nightmare. You want an Egg McMuffin?”

“I shouldn’t, my trunks were a little tight this morning, but you only live once, right?” He took a plate, then, getting back to the subject at hand, “You mean Flyin’ Ted? I think he’s crossed the line. I mean, first he abandoned the constitutional republic, then the state of Texas, then Snowflake, what’s next?”

“There’s only one person who can get away with that and you’re looking at him,” Trump boasted. “There are two types of people in this world – people who hate Ted Cruz and Ted Cruz.”

“This whole Texas situation is a nightmare, and the Democrats are making us look bad. AOC and Beto have already raised over $4 million. We’ll never take back the house at this rate,” Lindsey fretted.

“Talk about looking bad, did you see Cruz in that polo shirt?” Trump asked. “I would have been happy to lend him one of my girdles.” Then looking at his watch, “We better get to the flag lowering ceremony. Where’s Melania?”

 

“She’s at the spa,” Kimberly said.

“Again?” Trump got up from the table. “That broad is really enjoying my retirement.” Then indicating that Don Jr, had something on his nose he said, “You’re really addicted to those powdered donuts, aren’t you?”

 

Copyright 2021 by Michael Arkin. All Rights Reserved.