GETTING OFF ALONE

BY: Jamie Valentino

Stigma is rationally hilarious. It’s not only dull and prone to error by nature, but logic abandons judgment. In a public setting, have you ever heard a stranger exclaim that they need to pee as if it was an archaeological discovery? Like all the time, right? But how often do people reveal with the same urgent enthusiasm that they need to shit? Your one lesbian friend doesn’t negate this point. 

Both are universal bodily functions with the same purpose, though a socially encouraged taboo haunts the more visually graphic one. But a person scientifically shouldn’t be any less ashamed of needing to do ‘number one’ or ‘number two,’ as if it’s a personal choice. 

Masturbation and sex share a similar relationship. The famous sitcom Sex and the City reinvigorated how an entire generation of women viewed sex and their bodies, but that same sexual enlightenment hasn’t quite happened for men. 

Particular male personas did find time to shine during the “Me Too” movement, which was the next cultural shift, threading the power of pleasure and sexual awakening with respect, equality, and, well, basic human decency. However, men served mostly as the assailants, enablers, or spectators in conversations. And, at last, they shut up for once

Heterosexual white men carried the power of the status quo for centuries, so the culture of discrimination, sexism, and workplace abuse felt obviously their achievement to own. But this doesn’t mean that males understanding their bodies and pleasure offers less importance. Sex is like tunnel vision for so many: jerk off or penetration with a partner. There’s an entire spectrum of fun ignored, orgasms missed.  

For starters, why is using the prostate the way God intended viewed as gay? It’s as sexually proprietary as blue for boys, pink for girls. Men reject any form of anal stimulation as, for lack of better words, gay, but, ironically, they also report fantasizing about butt play a lot more with their partner. 

Straight porn superstar James Deen revealed the truth to this in an interview with Gawker. The anal aficionado has filmed hundreds of heterosexual scenes that involved a lot of dick rubbing with other men. However, no one doubts his sexuality. “I have this conversation a lot because there is still a lot of homophobia in the world and adult films when you’re sharing a scene with another dude and a lady, sometimes certain things come up: gay this, gay that. The way I define gay or homosexuals is a sexual attraction to a member of the same sex. I fully believe that people can engage in any sort of activity.” In other words, the only factor that makes an act gay is an attraction to the same sex. 

Butt sex doesn’t make you gay; neither does playing with toys. Still, millennials seem to be more keenly aware of this than any other generation, but it could be that Gen Z hasn’t matured into it yet. Perhaps, the reason so many dudes fantasize anal sex with women is a Freudian slip for desire. Toys also help delay orgasm, remain hard after orgasm, and have multiple orgasms. Once you get over this mental bump and experience this, you’re no longer worried about ejaculating too quickly, losing your erection, or not getting an erection at all.

Movies and television summarize sexuality as hormones, intimate for women. Men suffer from insecurity like women, but, perhaps, with different concerns, like obsessing about length and girth, or if they will get it up correctly, or grow not enough or too much pubic hair. Humans spend our entire lives obsessing over genitals. Still, no one quite ever steps in and emphasizes that sex begins from within, the importance of lubrication, that anal is biologically more pleasurable for males than females. Instead, everyone kind of just eventually learns that after enough churning butter is made.

Once we remove the stigma affiliated with our sexualities and bodies, we can fully embark on the endless journey of pleasure. Unfortunately for men who are open to using sex toys, their options are limited. Fleshlight is one of the few companies making toys designed to look like genitalia that is body-safe and able to withstand the test of time. The bizarre “one tone fits all” for certain male toys seems unnecessarily out of touch in a world where dildos for women come in just about every shape, color, and style. Brands like TENGA are even creating inconspicuous products, practical for travel, for one-use, or reusable, and bridging the gap between hormones and civility. From cock rings, sleeves, prostate massagers, eggs, and all the accessories in between, there’s a toy to stimulate almost every hot spot. 

Does anyone out there believe men are masturbating less than women? Usually, demand creates supply, and that will happen once we accept self-pleasure as wellness and investing in ourselves with education. Once familiarizing yourself with the areas of intimacy, the treasure chest of magical toys out there for all sorts of sensory stimulants, for singles and couples, even unisex, then your relationship with yourself and other lovers will improve with each orgasm.

Questions or advice for sexpert? Contact jamievalentino@provokr.com