FRIENDS W/ BENEFITS

BY: Jamie Valentino

No amount of porn watched or Cosmopolitan read will make you an expert on women. Regardless of gender, understanding someone mentally requires getting to know them. Knowing how to pleasure a person demands practice – trial, and error, if you will. That’s why the execution of “friends with benefits” often fails: men ask the wrong questions, and women fixate on the love, more often than not, because the lust is lacking. 

In layman terms, it’s almost right that sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. Understandably, females are more likely to obsess over carbs and carry the notion that, to make the calories worthwhile, the intercourse needs to mean something. Complicated feelings and expectations, which they don’t even fully understand, make a casual meal emotionally expensive. Perhaps, they wouldn’t be focused on the plausibility of your fantasy wedding if they were preoccupied experiencing mind-blowing orgasms. 

Part of the problem is the communication barrier. Many women struggle with asking for what they want in bed, and men, well, find difficulty in giving a damn. Fine, it’s unnecessary to notice your lover’s haircut or a new dress, but, at the very least, if she’s physically turned on and not off pornographizing table settings. The tunnel vision caused by your erection results in a big step for mankind (completely leaping over foreplay) but a trivial approach for their counterparts trying to reach climax. Rather than questioning, “What does it all mean?” Every time girls suffer through mediocrity; they should be demanding, “What is the point!” Likewise, guys need to stop asking “dates” to pick a movie for Netflix and chill but request their favorite position. (The missionary position is only considered groundbreaking with an actual missionary. In any other circumstance, she has certainly been there, done that.) 

The best way to prove you’re worthy of living in the moment is to take an active interest in your partner’s pleasure and unravel what excites them. To avoid the labor of dating, you must approach pleasure by asking directly: What do you like? And, after research, don’t be shy to offer suggestions. Due to years of enduring the traumatic boredom of hooking up with amateurs, plenty of females face adulthood still wondering the answer.

Honesty is an acclimated taste, but, like wine, don’t underestimate its potency. Like adult films have doomed every man for disappointment with the likelihood of butt sex on the first date, magazines have tricked women into overthinking. You can throw a harpoon through the bullshit by risking it all and wearing your hormones on your sleeve.  It only increases the odds that she’ll want to take off the sleeve and everything else. 

Society spent an entire history editing the farce of female perfection, like the appropriate width for thigh gaps or modifying the rules for how many dates to wait until penetration. Then we criticize them for being insecure. Instead of calling her crazy or emotional, give your lady friend a break. Confusing intimacy with attachment can happen to anyone. Who hasn’t blurted an “I love you” or two during moments of intense passion? A man who is understanding is considered an aphrodisiac. 

Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health consistently linked sexual enjoyment in women to an empathetic male partner. Scientifically, big feet only means more fabric, but, metaphorically, big ears increase the chances of your female friends opening the burgundy, velvet drapes separating buddies and fucking. It’s more than just exploring sexual fantasies but actively listening during the build-up. There are more sensitive places on the human body besides the genitals, and becoming familiar with a person’s hot spots will transform a question mark into an exclamation point. 

When it comes to the act of sex, men are easier to please than women. Though only God is to blame, that doesn’t justify putting on a bra and letting you come over at 2 AM just to take it off. Friends with benefits is one of the best symbiotic relationships ever invented, but both participants need to be direct and in agreement. Put down the faux costume of Prince Charming and stop insisting you’re not looking for anything serious. Women already consider men immature, so why would they expect you to be looking for something serious? Be assertive with your desires: “Are you ok if my only commitment in our relationship is making you orgasm? You’re invited to try new sexual experiences with me.”

Of course, you can do everything correctly and still receive the call in the middle of the night, angry that you haven’t introduced her to your parents. First, wait until the next day to make sure it wasn’t alcohol-induced (remember, give her a break!), then clarify your intentions. It’s impossible to guarantee the friendship free from damage with a safety net, but she’ll never be able to call you a douchebag, justifiably. Who knows, when a woman feels secure and comfortable, it breaks down mental walls during sex in a way that’s transcendent. You might discover that you’re not immune to catching feelings. After all, there’s no condom for the heart.